Podcast: Improving Teen Mental Health with Lisa Dumour

This podcast episode explores how to help kids develop a strong work ethic—something many parents that I work with struggle with, especially when their tween avoids chores like it's an Olympic sport or only works hard on things they care about (like video games, but not cleaning their room). As we support kids to navigate adulting or build character that they will need to swim through some of the waves of life, we can have a boat nearby but swimming some of the way will help build perseverance and the ability to self-regulate to the challenges of changing situations. According to the article,; for most tweens or teens, work ethic comes from either interest or obligation. Kids are intrinsically motivated when they enjoy something (reading, sports, video games). However,  they’re extrinsically motivated for things they don’t like (chores, school projects).Expecting them to want to do things they don’t enjoy is wishful thinking. However, there is a lot we can do to lead the way (in my Sean Connery Indiana Jones voice).

According to Dr. Lisa Dumour advises  the following:

• Give them choices – “Do you want to do the dishes or take out the trash?” (Still work, but at least they get some control.)

• Find connections to their interests – “You love gaming? Think of chores like leveling up in real life.”

• Use incentives – If intrinsic motivation isn’t there, link privileges to responsibilities (screen time, allowance, outings).

While we may do most of these tips that Dumour suggests when teaching kids responsibility and to press  beyond their intrinsic motivations, we must not forget the importance of reminding our kids that they are a part of a family unit and there are expectations and responsibilities. Here are some suggestions:

You will have friction at times. Be okay with the friction. Tweens push back because it’s part of their development. Expect resistance but stay firm. Dumour suggests that this is as important for life at home as it is in their social and school life. Sometimes, brace yourself…we even need to let them fail because consequences teach work ethic better than any nagging. This will be hard for some of us, just consider the coaching notes as a north star for the next time you know you should not come to the rescue and its an opportunity for a good struggle (on the kid’s part of course 😀)

Parent/Caregiver Coaching Notes

✅  Let natural consequences happen – If they forget a school project, let them face their teacher’s disappointment instead of rescuing them. Remember failing forward is good even in life lessons.
✅ Tell teachers it’s okay to push them – They are your village. Kids sometimes listen to teachers more than parents when it comes to responsibility.
✅ Start in middle school – Learning these lessons at 11-13 is better than failing 

My Final Thoughts: What Parents of Tweens Should Take Away

It's normal during the growing pains of adolescence to expect complaints, not enthusiasm all the time. Chores won’t be fun, and that’s okay. Just make sure they get done. You cannot be afraid to give them responsibility. Give your tween responsibility AND consequences. If they do not follow through, let them face the fallout. Remember, structure beats warmth when it comes to supporting the development of work habits. Another way to the heart of your tween is to make them feel needed. “We count on you, and the family needs you.” Link privileges to work. No chores? No screen time. Simple cause-and-effect. Hopefully, these strategies will support you in gradually building your teen or tween’s work —without feeling like a full-time nag. 😆

Podcast: Improving Teen Mental Health with Lisa Damour, by  Adam Grant, 21 January 2025,
Adam M. Grant is an American popular science author, and professor at the Wharton School of the University of Pennsylvania specializing in organizational psychology.